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Jurassic World:

We start with the THIRD TOP GROSSING MOVIE OF ALL TIME. JESUS CHRIST, WILL THIS EVER BE A DREAM? HOW DID THIS EVEN HAPPEN? For those of you that are utterly shocked by this film’s financial performance, your expectations were also shattered by the spectacular cinematography, top-notch, realistic characters, and captivating plot. You were also attentive of how nothing was supposed to go wrong in this magnificent, spell-binding tale of corporatization, militarization, and two teenage boys’ respective quests for pubescent integrity. In addition, you were probably aware of how well the leading woman was treated, insofar as creating a stoic, humorless, and stiff boss lady…you know, like how most women in charge of a multi-billion dollar amusement park usually are! You also had Chris Pratt (splooge), with his excellent reprise of machismo, unsuitable humor, and inexplicable talent for training the most hyperintelligent, insubordinate of fictionally rendered dinosaurs ever! I mean, what are we forgetting to cover here, other than superfluous examples of this film’s absolute perfection?

Oh right, we’re forgetting about everything that sucked. In fact, it didn’t really suck. There were just things that coulda been done betta:

Alter the whole Hybrid Dino Bullshit

Look, I know what you’re thinking: that’s, like, the whole allure of this movie! But, was it really? Wasn’t it just the thrill of a new Jurassic Park film? I mean, how many people knew what this was about before heading into the theatre? It could’ve been about anything. And they chose the most obvious. Bigger means BETTA. MOR TEETH. MOR SPECIES COMBINED INTO 1. You know what would’ve made a truly sadistic, hideous experience? This:

Human-Dino Hybrids, dawg. How about, when Dr. Henry Wu reveals which species were able to make the Idominus Rex a possibility, he’s like, “Yeah, Verizon wanted something bigger than a T-Rex. I was like, ‘nah, man’. So, I pulled The Fly and transformed myself into what you see above”. Everyone’s like “WUT”. Full Moon comes. Behold, Dr. Henry WOO-you really did it this time. It could have even been a hybrid of Jeff Goldblum/T-Rex hidden under wraps for all of Jurassic World to see! What’s Jeff Goldblum been up to since The Lost Worl-HOLY-GOD DAMN! Also, yes, Jurassic World is essentially Frankenstein, so why not add a werewolf tale into the mix? And then, of course, there’s this option:

Cats Riding T-Rexs! By Jakub Gruber from Threadless.com

The truly awful side premise of militarizing the velociraptors could’ve been redeemed by cats riding on top of machine gun totting T-Rex. Equestrianism gone rogue, then suddenly, crashing through the park gates-RATATATATATAT. I’m done.

Recast this entire shingdig (as in, get rid of all the humans!)

Humans creating dinosaurs made compelling horror and drama for ONE movie. We’ve been going through the motions, people. Audiences don’t want dumb humans doing dumb things to get into dumb situations like avoiding death (although, box office receipts quickly retract that assumption). We forget the power of voice acting for a film like this. I mean, doesn’t anyone remember the hollywood sorcery of this scene?

I don’t know what’s better here: the fact that the main character is genuinely hallucinating his colleague as a freakin’ talking dinosaur (complete with dino headrest-hugging claws) or the fact that this scene made it past the writer’s table, past the storyboard, past the producer, past the director’s unprecedented vision, and slapped onto 5,000+ screens worldwide. Either way, MOVIE MAGIC. Jurassic World doesn’t need a comedian, faux-biologists, and money-grubbing corporate heads to fill its main cast. It needs more of the glorious, aforementioned, timeless scene of Jurassic Park 3. Next question, who voices the dinos? I’ve got a checklist here that may or may not impress you:

T-Rex: Steven Segal

There’s like 4 main raptors, so a very talented voice actor(s)?: Trey Parker/Matt Stone

Idominus Rex: Nancy Cartwright

Throw in Adam Sandler to play the carcass that gets thrown into a dino cage.

Uhm…

Anyway, I want to imagine the next Jurassic Park utilizing this option. Help me get my spec script on the market, folks (Kickstarter page coming soon).

Make sure not to include too much detailed information about the main characters next time:

I mean, c’mon. Let’s go over each character in this film:

Owen (Chris Pratt): He’s a hunk and an aspiring sexually irreverent comedian, with a knack for raptor wranglin’ and motorcycle repair/maneuvering. There’s already too much here. 4 dimensions for your ass. We need to keep it down to one. Owen is a misplaced, suburban womanizer. That’s it. Everything else comes with the territory.

Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard): A strong, independent woman who loves to exercise in heels, taking mad scientists for granted, single-handedly procuring the unveiling of a “no-no. that can’t be good” dino hybrid, and an estranged aunt who wishes she could just spend a little more time with her nephews but she can’t cause she’s so gosh darn busy, strong, business-like-BLAH. How bout: Claire is a miscast replacement who vows to get her nephews into Jurassic World fo free. Again, everything else comes with the territory.

Bad Military Dude (Vincent D’Onofrio): 

Guys, look at that gut.

Not a thing to change here. Occasional crossfitter/couch potato who longs to throw himself into the jaws of a Velociraptor. That was his role…right?

Also, get those two pubescent boys out of this shit.

Bring back Jurassic Poop:

Who didn’t love the scene that made it into two different Jurassic Park movies, in which characters rummage through dino shit to progress through the movie? Wasn’t that neat? Luckily for us, there is a scene like this that never made it into the final product:

Such a compelling character study in the face of environmental adversity and constant peril. I mean, these are just missed opportunities, people.

Hollywood really does manage to screw everything up.